All The Single Mommys

As a single mom, I am always trying to make a dollar go further! So it never fails, that every time I am in the store with my son, the “can you buy this for me mommy?” begins and the “NO!” mommy monster comes out! Until one day, in one of those eye-opening moments, I replied “sure, you can have that, if you use your own money”. This game-changing moment, not only changed our shopping experience forever but also is completely shaping the way my son values money, motivating him to make money and expand his knowledge! My little guy actually bought his first 2 wheel bike (no training wheels), with his own money! It was so rewarding to see him pick it out and pull out his wallet and pay for the bike, I was so proud I wanted to cry! Here are 5 ways you can help your child to value money and put an end to the “NO!” mommy monster and be the proud single mommy you want to be!

1. Allowance for REAL chores-We keep a board on the refrigerator that lays out exactly what is expected everyday and he gets to check off everything accomplished. If I know he didn’t do one of the items, I ask him about it, “you made your bed, huh?” and he’ll run and make it real quick. He gets $5 a week, which is plenty for a 6 year old but if you have an older child may want to increase it accordingly OR follow the next 4 idea’s and provide them other ways to make money and increase their knowledge and creativity. If you have a difficult teenager you may want to try starting out with a sum and working backwards. For example, they start off with $15 and every chore they don’t do a $1 is deducted. A friend of mine does this and it works brilliantly!

2.  REAL Reward’s For Doing More Than What Is Expected-For School he is required to read 3 books outside of his normal assignments per month. We made a deal sealed with a pinky shake, that if he read 5 books he could earn $10 to buy himself whatever he wanted. I always try to promote saving money rather than spending it on another needless toy. I always try to make a statement like this “you can use this to buy a small $10 toy or you could save that money up and buy a really awesome toy, it’s your money and your decision”, saying this statement frequently is how he was able to buy his own bike.

3.  REAL Rewards For Grades-My son really struggles with spelling, so I am always trying new exercises to help him better remember his weekly list. This is extra work outside of normal homework. When he does better than previous spelling test, he gets $1! Or if maintains an “A” he gets a $1. By rewarding improvement, as well as the goal you are showing your child, hard work pays off!

4.  REAL Rewards For Creativity and Ingenuity- We had our first school fund raiser this year, I tapped my co-workers and friends to buy this discount card for 20+ discounts around town and could only get rid of 8 of them. My son came home from school and announced that he needed to sell 20 so he could go on a special Chuck E Cheese outing. I told him, that he was going to have to sell the additional 12 if he wanted to go on the trip and he stated, “ WE could put up a stand and sell them or go door to door”. Fortunately (for me) Dunkin Donuts had an agreement with the school, that the students could sell the cards on-site there. So we spent 3 hours making a poster board and I mean WE! He colored in all of the stenciled wording and taped all of the pictures. We spent 4 hrs on a Saturday, sitting at a table in Dunkin Donuts asking every person who came in if they would buy a card. This was the last place I felt like spending my Saturday but the lesson learned was so valuable that it was worth it in the end. He was discouraged when people said “NO”, so much so, that his sad little face turned 12 of them into a “YES”. Again, so proud I wanted to cry! I do have to give a shout out to the staff at Dunkin Donuts. They were incredibly gracious and welcoming. They allowed and helped me set up the table inside because it was so hot outside, checked in to see if we needed anything to drink and showed my little guy how to make his own donuts. I was very grateful for their hospitality!

5. REAL Bonus Rewards- I’ve talked about this in previous blogs but rewarding good behavior is incredibly important. I give out $1 or sometimes only $0.50 if he does something good before being asked or for just being generous and he never knows when it is coming. The little guy wanted to clean out his closet so he could give “poor kids” his old toys. After cleaning, he got $1 and I got big hug and kiss!

It seems that kids these days think everything is owed to them! (Yes, I feel like an old-fart when I say this). I can’t believe how many lessons that have been learned by simply telling a 6 yr old, “Sure you can have that, if you buy it with your own money”. This is a “gem” lesson for All The Single Mommy’s out there. I hope it works as well for you and your REAL Kids!

How many times have you seen this? Children, who are acting out of control, or naughty and disrespectful? The parent is just sitting there trying to ignore it or is embarrassed and tries to it blow off by saying, “Oh Johnny just has a lot of energy” or mom says “Sally don’t do that” as child screams back “NO” and keeps misbehaving. If you are like me, you find yourself, counting the minutes until they leave or desperately wanting to step in but not knowing if it is your place to do so.  Of course, I have had those moments with my son, but the key is knowing how to handle it. I began the “manners lessons” as soon as he was first able to talk. I knew my hard work had paid off recently, when I received the greatest compliment a mother could receive and from multiple people at that,  “You’ve done a great job raising, your son, he is a such a pleasure to be around!” As a single mom, I am always second-guessing my decisions and methods: Am I doing the right thing?  Am I doing enough? Am I being too tough? As a single parent you have to be both the “good cop” and the “bad cop”, it’s a very difficult balance and all you can do is hope that you are doing the right thing.  I have put together 5 Tips For Raising a Child That Everyone Enjoys Being Around (even people who don’t have kids), so that all of you single moms out there may receive that same amazing compliment about your children!

It all revolves around REAL Manners

1.      Please and Thank You are essential requirements from the moment your child can speak. Every time they ask for something,  prompt a Please and Thank You once they received it. Once they understand the concept, I prompt it with question if it was forgotten. Ex. “Did you forget something?” or “Where are your manners?”.  I also, believe you need to take it a step further; Thank You cards, emails and phone calls are mandatory in my book. We write them together and he makes the phone call. I have to say nothing bothers me more, when I send someone a gift and I do not even receive a phone call to say Thank You.  Children can be taught as early as age 4 to write thank you cards, according to Scholastic Parents Magazine, who has a fantastic age based grid for teaching manners and at what age they can be taught, in an article called Teaching Your Preschooler Manners, by Cara Pitterman

2.       Excuse me, Please! – Adults and children should be able to have a conversation without being interrupted. If my son tries to interrupt me, while I am having a conversation with someone, I first give him the “please wait a minute” signal. If he continues, I ask the person I am speaking with to “excuse me for a moment”; I look at him in the eye and say, “Is something on fire? If not, you will need to wait until I’m finished talking to X, thank you” Sorry I’m a bit of a smart-aleck, so you may want to be more straight to the point   It’s important to make sure you let them know when their it’s their  “turn” to talk and respect your child’s initiative to communicate and give them your full attention at that point. The same goes for me, I don’t interrupt adults or children, after all we have to lead by example, right?

3.      No Back-Talking-Let’s face it, no one can stand to be around little Sally who screams back at her mom, as I pointed out in the opening. My favorite statement is, “Do you want to re-think, how you just spoke to me?” or “Excuse me, how about you rephrase what you just said? You know better than to talk to mommy like that”, this goes for whomever he is talking to even if it is a child pal of his. I know a lot of single mom’s and I can tell you, that so many of them allow their kids to speak to them disrespectfully, some say they are too tired to deal with it or “he’s only 4 and he doesn’t know better”. But whatever the excuse is, I believe teaching your kids how to communicate with respect to other people is a vital life lesson that they will carry with them to adulthood.  This is a great article in Today’s Parent, with specific examples of how to teach manners and how well mannered can positively influence other children to have good manners.  Missed Manners A Parent’s Plight-Teaching Kids To Be Polite, by Camilla Cornelle

4.      A Real Village- I believe it really does take a village to raise a child, especially when you are a single mom, whether they are friends or family.   I make sure, my trusted friends know  they have the right to correct my child’s bad behavior or reward the good, even if I am present. When he is going to a friends house, I am clear with my son, “Ms. Keri, is in charge, make sure you mind your manners and make mommy proud”, in front of the other parent.  He knows  “Ms. Keri” deserves the same respect as mommy.  I can honestly say, that in the 100 or play dates he has had; he has only been in a time out a handful of times.

5.      Real Praise- Praise, Praise & Praise! Let you’re children know when they have had good manners and praise them for it. My greatest compliment in the opening paragraph, it’s his greatest compliment as well. I made sure he knew, how proud I was of him and specifically what everyone had said. He was grinning ear-to-ear, proud of himself! And that is the only recognition, I will ever need!

For additional tips check out Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee’s, 10 Basic Manners For Kids

As I sit here on my 30 something birthday, I wonder how can I become a better person, not just as a single mother but also as a woman? This type of soul searching could be very inspiring or it can be disturbing if you’re thinking, “I’m doing the best I can”. But isn’t that what we tell our kids every day, “Do the best you can, that’s all mommy ever expects from you!” Being a single mom is the toughest job, I’ve ever had. You have the sole responsibility of raising this little human being to be the best person he or she can be. That may not sound like much to someone who is not a single mom, but when you add in being the sole bread winner, sole housekeeper, sole chef, sole handy-man, sole boo-boo kisser, sole referee, and sole entertainer, you wonder how 1 person can be such a collage of so many vital roles of raising a good human being? And with having to be good at so many roles, you are going to make mistakes and you are going to have to reach out and ask for help, even if you have to swallow your pride in doing so. After all, how can you be the best you can be, if you don’t make mistakes, you will never learn and grow? That is why I have composed a list of the top 5 mistakes every single mom makes, why you shouldn’t beat up yourself over it and how to grow from it.

1. Over indulging your child or children! Whether it is with toys, TV or video game time, or treats. Sometimes it just is the path of least resistance because you are exhausted from a grueling day at work or maybe it’s guilt because you feel you need to make up for the loss of a parent (death, divorce or baby daddy just hit the road). Your children need boundaries and regardless of the tantrum that might erupt, hold your ground and stay calm. Parenting.com has an article on 9 Ways to Prevent a Meltdown-Yours and Your Kids. Tip 7, Counting to 10! has worked brillantly for me!
2. Not spending REAL quality time! You are running from the office, to school, to soccer practice and all you want to do is get the kids home and kick those high heels off, that you bark orders for them to get in the shower and hop in bed. Make sure you are consistently creating situations for quality time. No matter how tired I am I read a book to my child every night before bed. I never realized how important this was to my child, until one night it was past bedtime and I stated we were going to “skip a book tonight” and immediately the tears started flowing and my child stated but that’s our “special time”.
3. Not having REAL dialog! Even if there is only 5 min here and there, make the conversation count. “Wow, did you see Bobby’s dad yelling at practice, why do you think he was doing that?” Ask engaging questions especially when an inappropriate adult situation, it’s an opportunity to check in and see if they understand what’s right and wrong and for you to either reinforce a good adult example or un-peel any damage seen from a bad one.
4. Not encouraging REAL independence! Yes, I know sometimes it is just easier to do it yourself but allowing your child to experience getting their own breakfast (despite the mess it makes), picking out their own clothes, listening to the type of music they like (PG or PG13 rated of course depending on their age), helps blossom their personality and develops their confidence.
5. Not requiring REAL responsibility! The clothes and towels are lying all over the bathroom floor and the bed is unmade. It takes everything in my being not to just pick it all up but what this is saying to your child is that someone is always going to pick up their “mess”. The older kids get the harder it is to teach them responsibility. Consequences are a great for to helping kids understand what their responsibilities are, “no TV until you pick up your mess” BUT positive reinforcement is even better.  When they actually do it without you asking them to, make a huge deal over it!

There is a great article on 50 Easy Ways To Be a Fantastic Parent . Tip 1 and 2 really relate to points 2, 4 and 5 in this blog.

Remember being a single mom is the toughest job you have, so embrace your mistakes and grow from them. Just do the best you can and remember how much strength you have already shown by reaching out and reading what other single moms are going through.